Stig Of The Dump: There’s Always Next Year. (2009 Review)

Go grab a brew or a brewski, strap in & spark up.. its gonna be a long one.

As i sit here on the living room floor of my goon from another poon’s yard, 3 days into next year, 3 days of pointlessly futile resolutions & the same hollow falsely promised new beginnings brought every time the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, 3 days of the same ever pressing feeling of impending doom COMPLETELY over turned by 3 days of Megadrive & piff, which single-handedly eclipsed the whole of 2009 & once finished, forced me to reflect on what utter cock rot last year was. Not only did so called Grime MC’s start rapping on House music, presumably hoping we wouldn’t notice how much of a desperation fueled attempt at making money it was, not to mention how shit it was and above all how GAY it was (not in the men being special friends with other men way.. we know “Urban” heads are against that, in their tight jeans & candy colors  but in the OH MY FUCKING CHRIST is he really rapping over house music, kinda way) but also despite Jay Z’s best attempt at sucking his own dick on a record, Auto-Tune  is still alive & well (don’t believe me just check the level that every one’s favorite crack head Flava Flav sunk to on his latest track “You Know I’ll Never Let You Down” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbfgYFig2Fw ) while elsewhere in Hip Hop (used in the loosest way possible) Chris Brown got all Dap C & punched a lady type, on this occasion his mrs, right in her grill but lets be honest tho even battered & bruised Rihana would still catch a willy. Our charts were invaded & sullied like a Catholic choir boy by piss weak children all chasing the Capitalist dream, one of which was momentarily suicidal, of coarse twittering about it is in no way clearly a VERY public cry for attention and if true, help (a moment of clarity perhaps). Lil Wayne continues to be held aloft as the best rapper alive, although i think we could use it to our advantage & blanket cull all of his fans, instantly halfing the amount of cunts on the planet. More recently Maniac (a grime producer) tried to murder his pregnant girlfriend by attacking her with an iron bar & then pushing her in a river, all so his mother wouldn’t stop his tuition fee’s but don’t worry somehow a hand full of Grime cats are sympathetic towards him (cos shit is deep on road.. man need dem tuition fee’s) http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8395601.stm

Outside of the music i used to love, there was the biggest Jedi mind trick of our time. Just as people were actually questioning the world leaders, just as American citizens started to question Bush’s term in office & there were rallying calls to impeach him for his theft of the previous election, SUDDENLY the media was all a frenzy about the possibility of a female or black president. Fast forward to 2009 & they allowed the last thing anyone had previously expected, Obama was sworn in & he INSTANTLY contradicted his promise to pull soldiers from Iraq but shut the fuck up & fill your bloated faces with fast food & reality T.V while your leaders sit in the drivers seat charging us all head on towards Armageddon, although lets not focus on the death of thousands of innocent people in the name of false democracy (you are now free to buy McDonalds & Coca Cola) and of coarse a minute number in comparison who lost their lives in the fight for freedom, hugely profitable black oily freedom !!!! especially when there were endless celeb fatalities, or lucky escapes as i prefer to look at them.  We said goodbye to a whole Hello mag full of the fuckers, we lost David “Asphixy wank” Carridine, Patrick Swayze & DJ Rock Raida, we got rid of Jade Goodie (who, no matter how much the idiots paint as a martyr, was just another fuck whit, thick council rat who made it famous by sucking off another desperate nobody on Big Brother & marrying another, then went on to redeem herself by being racist on the “celeb” version of the same Televised shit fest) Brittany Murphy JUST managed to get her name in the year of the dead celebs but was beaten by Tony Hart, Piss head chef Keith Floyd, Steven Gately, Maggie Jones (Blanche from Corrie) Wendy Richards (sour faced Pauline Fowler), Natasha Richardson (Liam Neeson’s wife) every young boys fantasy Farah Fawcett and of course that dude, what was his name, that black guy who tried to become a white guy but ended up looking like a Chinese women, whats his face, no, seriously, what the fuck IS his face. Of coarse im referring to the biggest self appointed modern day Jesus of them all. Michael “jesus juice” Jackson (proof that so long as you record a few catchy pop songs you can fuck all the kids you want and people will look the other way… take note Pete Townsend & any other future aspiring noncey pop stars, you can go the MJ/R Kelly way or the Gary Glitter way.. its all in the music) all those tragic or in some cases welcomed deaths & Kanye is still walking around like a one man bag of attention whores… fuck your god.

But don’t let the death, or survival of a bunch of people far more important than you get you down, not when you have a recession to enjoy, all those job cuts, increased taxes & the housing crash. On the plus side we all united in hating on those money hungry, pin stripe clad, city boy cunts for a few months as the country fell to pieces and we bought our last needless purchases of “stuff” in Woolworths & Zavvi (in turn putting Pinnacle distribution into liquidation & fucking over, almost bankrupting a heap of independent Labels), Officers Club, MFI, Barratt’s Shoes, electrics store Empire Direct, Borders & a million independent & family run businesses (including the SORELY missed HHC Magazine, although u can still cop it in DPF for FREE from www.hhcdigital.net ).. Not to worry though McDonalds, Starbucks, BP, Nestle, Microsoft & Apple are all still going strong.

AHHHHHhhhh bollocks to it all, i cant be bothered anymore, there’s always next year though eh? because of coarse devils won’t run the world then, idiots wont be in the majority & people will put other humans & the planet before their Flat Screen TV & I.Cunts.. but will there be a next year, next year.. if the interpretation of the Mayan Calendar by loners & paranoid stoners is anything to go by, we are all doomed in 2012 and just looking up from my lap top to see Dappy from N Dubz on Buzzcocks, not a day too soon. After todays news that a friend was KICKED half to death on New Years Eve & is currently on life support, i personally cant wait. Fuck it, no one questions Busta on his mental 4 year prediction of the Apocolypse…

THERE”S ONLY 2 YEARS LEFT

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