Stig Of The Dump: Maybe Its Because Im A Londoner (Part 1)

Apparently getting into physical altercations with other commuters on London Underground is just what I do now, I’m probably only one argument away from murdering one of you. Now despite looking like an aggressive, fat homeless drunk, I can say without any irony or sarcasm, that when not acting like a tit on stage with a Mic’ in my hand, I am generally a polite, well mannered person. I have a solid moral compass, I’m social, civil, willing to apologise when I’m in the wrong and for the most part capable of functioning as part of a normal society. Of coarse its all an act as I’m a miserable, selfish, apathetic misanthropist who is sickened by what’s deemed to be “Normal Society” and I couldn’t feel less akin with the utter fuck wits who over populate this planet with their stupid hair cuts, “skinny lattes” & text idioms like “lol” & “Rofl” AARRGH, just writing them to explain how much they annoy me fills me with such self loathing. BUT I suppress all that in the ever futile and vein hope that my complete lack of faith in humanity will one day be proven ill judged, admittedly it will probably lead to a stroke in later life but it also ensures that I don’t bludgeon people to death for being happy or shove them in front of trains for reading Harry Potter books when their fully grown adults with jobs & rent to pay. I’m also, up to a certain point, a pacifist, unless, it would seem, when I’m miles underground in a dirty network of tunnels being over charged for the pleasure of sharing my personal space with over rated & un avoidable…….. PEOPLE.

Yesterday, for the second time in my life, im neither proud nor ashamed to say, I hit someone while commuting in London Underground. As a few people have asked what happened (one is enough to deem my life interesting and warrant this tirade of waffle) I have decided to recount both incidents in separate blogs, in a see through attempt to justify them. And of coarse ive opted to do so in typically boring detail for you to read as you sit and procrastinate from work, school, Uni or signing on.

The First Time: “If only I’d had a cape”

The first time I was sat, mid afternoon on a Piccadilly Line train returning from my lady types house. There were a few people on the train but it was pre rush hour so there were a handful of empty seats & plenty of standing room. I was sat right in the middle of a row of seats with spare seats either side of me (as obviously no one wants to fight for elbow space with a fat man, like I care about you judging me when I get to stretch out like I’m travelling first class, id rather live less time in luxury then more time standing). On the same side was a mild looking man in his 30’s (Imagine Ned Flanders if he was less jaundice and a snappier dresser) & his 4 /5 year old daughter who were sat at the end of the row. On the other side of the glass partition were two 18-20 year old “yoots” both in those two-piece track suits that all idiot teenagers “from the ends” don’t realise look like over grown baby grows or youth offender uniforms. Two of those candidates for “cleansing” who have that insanely annoying habit of holding their mobiles right in front of their stupid faces while talking into it, apparently oblivious to the advances in technology that now mean you can hold it to your ear and talk at the same time. Two representatives of a generation that think “2 Pints of Lager & A Packet Of Crisps” is British comedy at it’s zenith, stood with their hands down their pants (unaware that fondling your balls while conversing with another man is weird, unless you’re being examined by a Doctor or your a Gay but both of which should probably be carried out behind closed doors) They stood shouting about some inane shit, something about how good a rapper “Road Man A” is as oppose to how bad “Road Man B” is or finger popping some skank in the park, or knives or “funky” or whatever your average 17-19 year old prize tit is into these days. Now I’m pretty anti-censorship but out of some sense of “respect for others” I was force-fed as a child, I try and avoid swearing every second word in front of children & old people. Admittedly, I try and avoid them like the plague all together but when I feel obliged or I’m guilt tripped into going to weddings or family birthdays or any other function I have to drink my way through, I am conscious of my choice of language. Unfortunately it would appear these kids didn’t have parents who would slap the taste out of their mouths or hit them with wooden spoons for doing such a thing and when asked by the child’s Dad (very politely, all be it too politely) if they could tone down their language, they reacted by sardonically upping the filth & aiming it at him, taking time to pepper it with a few threats and taunts. Now one thing I hate more than anything (at least for the purpose of this story) is a bully, so after seeing 2 stops of the Dad clearly fearing for the safety of both himself and his child and allowing the anger to rise inside of me like a cartoon character turning red until steam whistles out of his ears. I stood up and without saying a word (and in what could have been a choreographed scene from a shit Guy Richie film as I generally have the hand eye co-ordination of a one eyed drunk man with cerebral palsy) I walked over and punched the most aggressive of the two right in his horrible little face, banging him clean out and leaving him slumped against the door just as it opened at a station. At which point his friend panicked and yapped at me like a novelty back flipping dog, while helping him off the train and I, still having not said a word, sat down and went back to my second hand Glossy magazine. In retrospect I have put the lack of thanks and subsequent awkward silence down to the other commuters having never witnessed a “super hero” in action and in no way down to the fear that they might have been next or that I was completely insane, if only I’d had a cape they would have known.

Should you have another hour of your life to throw away frivolously, you can find the 2nd part of this 2 parter here

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