LMR: Top 10 Moodiest Musicians (HHC Digital)

With the release of Stig Of The Dump’s new album, Mood Swings, we got the self-coined Sexiest Fat Man In Show Business to compile a list of ten utterly moody pop stars. Here’s his picks…

1. Daniel Johnston
Watch The Devil & Daniel Johnston – you’ll see my man was on another level of touched but made some of the most amazing music ever. If you’re anything like me you will take comfort from the fact that even at your worst you are no where near as shit pot mental as some people.
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2. Kurt Cobain
Okay, he killed himself, but that doesn’t make him moodier than my number one pick – just less alive. And let’s be fair, in today’s world he probably did his fans and himself a favour, what with Iggy Pop doing insurance ads and Lionel Richie promoting Walker’s Crips. Were he still around, Kurt would no doubt be appearing as a judge on America’s Got Talentless Lunatics To Exploit or singing “Doo doo doo doo dooooo, I’m loving it” for McWrongald’s during the three-minute product brain-wash intervals that appear on the idiot box every 20 seconds anyway.
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3. Mariah Carey
A great philosopher once said “Women are like roller coasters – fucking mental.” Now far be it for me to make wildly sweeping statements like all women are crazy – that would be a generalisation of heinous proportions and both misogynistic and completely unacceptable – but I will say that every women I have ever met has been completely “If you don’t know what’s wrong, then I’m not going to tell you” bat-shit mental, on some level at least.

Mariah takes the nutty crown though. She is so insane that I think ultimately her lunacy is the source of almost all of the female insanity in the world. They’re like vampires: if you kill the head, those who haven’t completely turned will become normal again. She was that girl at school who all the dudes wanted to rest their still developing nuts in and all the girls either wanted to look like or hated because she was so popular; the one who walked through life having everything done for her just because she’s pretty, but underneath, because she was also insanely insecure, she was a complete bitch to everyone and a nightmare girlfriend to any boy stupid enough to not run for safety the second he cleared his mind enough to see sense. Now imagine her if she could sing very well and got paid a shit load of coin, then became all growed up, had breast implants which made her tits look like they were a foot apart, and had an even higher opinion of herself to hide the even lower opinion she really has of herself. That’s Mariah. One day she will kill – her name should be Mariah Carrie.
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4. Cage Kennylz
One of the illest that ever did it, but short of the eyeliner and fingerless gloves dude is still hella emo.
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5. Stig Of The Dump

A.K.A Stevie Dickhead The Sexiest Fat Man In Show Biz a.k.a Your Lord And Master a.k.a God Doing Stand Up… You damn fucking right. You can all fuck off and die twice as far as I’m concerned. I’m polite and like people on the surface but trust me, while shaking your hand I’m also praying I get to be the one who hits you with a hollow-point head shot once the zombie invasion starts. I’d have put myself at number one on the list but I haven’t been sectioned and I’m yet to take it upon myself to cut short my sentence with the rest of you brainless rubber heads on this husk of a planet.
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6. Eminem
Underneath all those stupid voices and forced rhyme schemes lies not only possibly the best that ever did it but also a right huffy bastard. Anyone who goes from being questionably the best ever to an embarrassment all because, from an outsider’s point of view, his angst and anger-driven hunger and talent became self-pitying garbage needs his head sorting out. Although he loses points for being super rich, anyone who says money can’t buy you happiness definitely has enough. It might not be able to buy you that soul-quenching, love-filled happiness, but that just cracks and turns out to be a sham anyway. It can definitely buy you that ’shiny new shit to paper over the cracks’ happiness and that’s better than nothing. Man up Marshall, “you acting like a lil’ bitch right now”.
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7. Noel/Liam Gallagher
Moody in the classical sense, these two whining bastards argue more than me and my ex. Noel’s face was so sour it almost imploded on itself when Jay-Z headlined Glasto a couple of years ago – he looked like he’d been brushing his teeth with vinegar and gargling lemon juice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for rock star rebellion but that used to involve smashing your instruments, chucking TVs through hotel windows, dead prostitutes and drug binges, not “He started it” and bitching about someone else headlining a festival because you’re no longer relevant, you’re old, your opinion is invalid, essentially you’re just waiting to die… You had your fun and made a wedge, at least have some decorum and die quietly.
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8. Grace Jones
A notoriously stroppy diva who I couldn’t help but notice in a photo from a recent Gig Guide article, looks alarmingly like Don Cheadle doing A Sharks Tale-On Ice, in drag. I don’t understand the appeal of people like her and her mini-me, Lady Gaga: What exactly is it about androgynous, gender bending, laughably dressed, self obsessed lunatics that makes soulless fashion followers want to crawl up their arsehole and camp out in their lower intestines? Next week you can catch me in the pap section of the London Lite dressed head-to-toe in a shell suit made entirely of Kraft Cheese Slices and a hat made of an actual child’s shit. It’s a statement about the shocking state of childhood obesity – nothing to do with being an attention seeking chuff nut.
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9. Whitney Houston
She may not seem that moody on the outside, and she’s definitely composed and in good shape for her age on the surface, but that’s because she’s out of her mind on crack. If you look into her eyes they’re vacant. My girl has an incredible voice given all the rocks she’s smoked but she is definitely touched and if you don’t believe just watch her performance on last years X Factor (although I would normally rather eat my own vomit than watch that televisual hot dog egg of a program). She performed ‘live’ looking like the skeleton from Tales From The Crypt in a ball gown that looked like a wedding dress; she resembled an alcoholic spurned bride who was on the hunt to kill her ex-fiance after 30 years of lonely bitterness. If you’re a normal adult who avoids such crap you may have been fortunate enough to miss it, but rest assured Simon Cowell’s massive forehead and seemingly un-talked about resemblance to a younger Susan Boyle with a shitter hair cut still managed to steal the show.
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10. Kanye West
Moody in the colloquial meaning, as in shit, not legit or counterfeit. The fucking megalomaniacal, big-jawed, number one on my hit list when I pull a ‘falling down’ downsy looking jar head.
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