LMR: 2010 in “short” (End Of Year Review)

Its that time again and much like Christmas, your Birthday & that hairy Sad sack from the Raggy Dolls-looking arsehole John McCririck; it comes but once a year, is laborious & leaves you feeling hollow inside. Its my jovial, whimsical & ultimately grandiloquently long winded YEARLY ROUND UP.

This in fact, is actually only the second one to date & lets face it, probably the last, if the Mayan’s were any where near as accurate as one hopes (winky face).

If I’m honest I don’t remember a lot about last year but with the amount of weed I’ve smoked of late, I’m surprised I remember what a year is, so in order to stretch this out beyond “the students kicked right off”, I have done some research into exactly what did happen in Two Thousand & Ten Anno Domini. The first thing I found out was that 2010 was officially “The Year Of Youth”, which as I’m nearing death by the day, makes me hate myself more than I already did when I woke up AGAIN this morning, as does the fact that my waning interest in the world around me is such that last year evidently passed me by so un-notably, I had to use my interbrain (Wikipedia) to write what is, in all honesty a completely futile, self gratifying and pointless yearly round up.

One of the few things I do remember from last year was the Icelandic ash cloud that grounded half the world. Mainly because people more successful than myself were sorely inconvenienced, taking to sourly twittering like a high school cheerleader who’s daddy refused to buy her a car and as flights were cancelled quicker than a Michael Richards gig at the Apollo i sat back and laughed hysterically. Now it’s easy for me as a failure & pauper to laugh at those more fortunate than myself but there’s something I love and find so humbling in the fact that every now and then Mother Nature likes to remind us, no matter how many technological advances we make, she is still in charge, as she oh so vehemently did by killing over 230,000 people in the Haiti Earthquake, of coarse people dying in their thousands, crushed by rubble & decimated buildings is slightly less hilarious than people missing flights but once the dust settles, I’m sure we’ll see the funny side (see what I did there).

In May’s General Election the Conservative Party, led by David Cameron, won the largest number of votes and seats but still fell twenty short of the required majority, resulting in a hung parliament, which meant Nick Clegg went back on everything he had pledged to start with so the Lib Dems could form a coalition with the Blues, sort of like when the ugly girl in teen movies abandons her friends as soon as a “cool” kid chucks some willy her way. In other words selling out harder than Iggy Pop in those insurance adverts. David Cameron, a man with cold dead eyes is undoubtedly the harbinger of the apocalypse & every single one of you who voted blue will eventually be eaten alive by a plague of locust, while those of us equally responsible due to our apathetic lack of votes, look on as we’re whipped by skeleton’s & forced to stoke the burning fires of Hades. That said, last time the Conservatives got in, Punk was born & we smashed shit up, so perhaps in these times of economic crisis & elitist oppression we might actually hear some decent music. Although I’m sure the same characterless, whiney voiced pop acts will top the charts with more of that mass marketed musical equivalent of a badly prepared Maccy D’s double cheeseburger from the 99p saver menu (McWrongalds- making childhood obesity more affordable). Admittedly I may not be their chosen demographic these days, so far am I from my youth that the only things I know that kids are into these days is knife crime, N Dubz & teenage pregnancy.

In July, Wikileaks released over 90,000 internal reports about the United States-led involvement in the War in Afghanistan from 2004 to 2010 but most people, in our country at least, were too busy watching Big Brother & frothing over professional cunt Katie Price’s sham marriage to cross dressing, ex celebrity Big Brother contestant & shit cage fighter; Alex Reed. Meanwhile our transatlantic cousins lived their lives vicariously by gushing over Lindsay Lohans stint on lock down & Hollywood’s favourite racist & anti-Semitic Mel Gibson & his series of insane threatening phone calls to his girlfriend. Plus most Americans are either so blinkered that they never realised Bush was an actual real life rubber headed retard or like many of today’s Brits, are so obese that they couldn’t type Wikileaks.com into a search engine if they tried, their rolly polly fingers like comedy inflatable hammers, hitting multiple letters at the same time, bulging flab spilling across the qwerty keyboard like Buddy Love changing into Herman Trump. Unlike skinny old me of coarse, who didn’t read them because I was too busy obsessing about my own opinions & getting drunk to waste my time reading about how fucked the world is, in turn further compounding my very reasons for drinking excessively in the first place.

Not to be out done by the Haitians, a bunch of people who have actually achieved something with their lives and therefore were a much bigger loss, along with a few who hadn’t, rather selfishly decided it was time to cash out as well (Not that anyone with any life left to live will have any idea who half of them are). Unfortunately many of the names are less of a reason to celebrate than last years jackpot Jade Goodie, unless you believe in a Wizard in the clouds & in turn think they have gone to a better place, in which case why do you look both ways when crossing the road?.. This year Hip Hop suffered some huge losses with the tragic passing of the incredibly talented Michael Larson a.k.a Eyedea (seen performing “Shadows Have Shadows” in the video above) as well as monotone, gravely voiced pioneer, Gangstarr front man and heavily rumoured fruit; Guru. We lost Apache of “Gangsta Bitch” fame, Malcolm McLaren, the man credited as bringing hip hop culture to our British shore with the incredibly bad “Buffalo Gals” and for my coffin dodging b-boys out there, everyone’s favourite old school lunatic & Graff/Hip Hop legend Ramellzee

Elsewhere in music we said goodbye to Night Nurse singing Reggae star Gregory Isaacs, ex-Sterephonics drummer Stuart Cable who beat me to the punch by drinking himself to death, Boney M singer Bobby Farrell and finally R&B sensation and a man probably responsible for thousands of children but not personally, in that council estate kind of way; Teddy Pendergrass, sadly died aged 59. As well as musicians, actors dropped quicker than a drunk man’s standards with Apocalypse now star & Easy Rider; Dennis Hopper, child faced midget Gary Coleman, Lost Boys cast member & childhood wreck head Corey Haim. Also Tony Curtis, Father to sexy, leggy hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis died at 85. British comedy legend & the man Lee Evans got his style from, Norman Wisdom finally gave up aged 95 & American star of Airplane, Police Squad, Naked Gun & one of my favourite comedy actors of all time, Leslie Nielson passed away at 84.

Other people lucky enough to be chosen by the invisible Genie in the sky were Pokemon writer, Takeshi Shudo, Comedian Greg Giraldo, SpaghettiO’s inventor Donald E. Goerke & possibly the biggest loss of all, He Pinping, the worlds smallest man. However in what seems like a cruel injustice, Danny Dyer, Kanye West and Jack Skellington’s body double, Lady Gaga are all still alive and in need of a kicking, not to mention CUNTSJedCUNTSwardCUNTS, those two Something About Mary-fringe having Irish fucks that somehow managed to crawl out of the abortion bucket they were surely meant for.

2010 did see one death well worth celebrating, Big Brother aired its last ever series. A programme that solidified reality T.V in the hearts of the brain dead & stupid, responsible for bringing us Jade Goodie & her retarded widower Jack Tweedy, that pan faced ex man Nadia (who looks exactly like my mate Doug), Kinga a.k.a her that fucked a wine bottle & got up to the neck in trouble, Science, my ex class mate Michelle Bass, 2 porn stars, Leah Walker & Nicola Holt (neither of which are those glossy high end porn stars, or the girl next door types, both in fact more the “oh my fucking god WHY am I wanking to this dirt, is she melting, JESUS, fuck, I think I’m going to gag”- types, that you regret stumbling across and feel soiled for watching way before reaching that inevitable guilty crymax. Or as i like to call them “Tear Jerkers”) & worst of all that sour faced bag of bones Nikki who must be in her 30’s but looks 12 like the mentalist from The Orphan. And that’s just the ones horrifically burned into my memory, changing who i am forever, like Dexter Morgan seeing his own Mother massacred right in front of him. There was also a lengthy list of other mishaps so vacuous & moronic the only possible explanation I can find for their existence is that they must all have accidentally grown from contaminated unwashed Petri dishes & escaped from labs like Rage monkeys, only to be herded up & thrown on our idiot boxes.

Elsewhere in the world of wanton voyeurism we saw Big Brothers feral incest child, & life support for Ant & Dec, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here come into bloom. A programme that I had pegged as just another bottom feeding reality t.v show & hated so much that the thought of it caused stomach bile to rise to the back of my throat. However it some how managed the impossible & miraculously proved me wrong, an occurrence almost as rare as a Susan Boyle orgasm. Don’t get me wrong it is as complicit as every other asinine Reality show for dumbing down society, feeding off desperate celebrities like cannibals & regurgitating, re-eating then defecating the same old tired concepts with the same old has-beens & never-where’s for the population to lap up. But if you plant enough seeds in enough horse shit you will eventually get roses. An almost poetically apt turn of phrase given the star of the series, Gillian McKieth. A vinegary voiced scottish woman famous for thumbing through other peoples dog eggs like a fucked up BBC commissioned version of Two Girls One Cup. A women who has spent so long getting away with talking shit that she has started to believe her own waffle. Watching her hamming everything up, feigning illness and “fainting” like a 50’s oscar winner, all while looking like an alcoholic art teacher on the verge of a breakdown, has to be my T.V highlight of the year, not that I ever watched much T.V as everytime I hit the ON button all i could ever find was Friends or Scrubs repeats, which seem to be constantly looping like the nightmares that plague me every time I close my eyes. Another repackaged chimera freak fest of reality t.v & talent show “Don’t Stop Believing” burst onto our screen like a camp child vomiting up bright crayons & highlighter ink but that’s a WHOLE next rant (one you can read HERE, if you ever manage to finish this mammoth dissertation)

In September I managed to beat the odds by adding another year to my sentence in this never ending sit com we call life, losing a lot of people money & disappointing even more. An achievement I celebrated as I do every year by eating animals & drinking so much that I dramatically reduce the odds of me seeing another 365 but this isn’t about me, if it were it would be much more interesting but ultimately more depressing for you to read.

In October the International Space Station surpassed the record for the longest continuous human occupation of space, having been continuously inhabited since November 2, 2000 (3641 days), marking the beginning of the end as those in charge seal our Total Recall like future on Mars. Which is probably for the best as in October Mother Nature got pissy again, killing over 400 people and leaving hundreds missing in an earthquake and consequent tsunami off the coast of Sumatra, Indonesia, we of coarse continue to arrogantly ignore the obvious harsh warnings and blindly suck the planet dry like the germs and leaches that we are.

October also saw, not the biggest, but in my unbiased opinion, undoubtedly the single most important event to happen in the whole of 2010, the release of the Mood Swings LP. Knowledge Mag kindly gave it 3rd in the years Top 10 Hip Hop releases & it continues to received support from RWD Mag to HHC & Conspiracy Radio to 1xtra. Featuring bangers of epic proportion which, according to the odd narrow minded uk back packer, may possibly be a little too synthy for their outdated dusty preference & in the opinion of one “journalist” it may possibly have too many expletives but then anyone who makes the conscious decision to be offended by what are just words, none of which are aimed at them or any minority in need of defense, is a cunt of the highest order. More specifically Mark Moore is a prize cunt & can take his comparison to the Gorillaz, mix it in a bowl of dick, along with his lack of knowledge about modern music, wash it down with a side of Aids, then fuck off & die twice. It is without question one of the seminal albums of our generation & shows an artist with a deep knowledge of self, expressing his inner angst with multi layered levels of metaphor and imagery, who also talks about beer, weed & fat birds a bit… Buy it NOW from HERE for just £6.99 along with all other merch including the coveted Team Hate colours, the HATER T, endorsed in the pic above by Wu Tang’s Raekwon the Chef, your mum & dad will hate it but then they don’t understand you like i do, so fuck them.

If I’m honest I’ve completely lost interest in writing this hate filled bullshit anymore and I’m also slightly worried that these blogs may come back to haunt me as I get sectioned & drugged up to the eyeballs like a laboratory dog, or hear little exerts read back to me in a court of law as I stand with a blank stare & blood on my hands, so I’ll end with possibly the most covered & sensationalised news story of last year… “the students kicked right off”.